This post went from a self-reflection to a bit of a sermon and then back again. That will happen. I told you I'm writing my thoughts as they come. beach banner, remember? I'm also distracted by the attractive barista behind the counter in front of me.
What is it about small, locally owned coffee shops that makes me feel this particular way. It's really quite hard to explain the feeling. I almost feel like a different, less inhibited version of myself. It's like I'm who I want to be. I remember at school I would sit at the Gryphon (before I was driven out by hipsters and people that are way cooler than me) and I would dream of a life where I got all my work done on time, and where I was self-motivated, listened only to Iron and Wine and Ani Difranco, became a vegetarian, did yoga everyday, let my hair just go insanely curly like it wanted to, and where everything worked out perfectly. And then I realized, once again, these daydreams of mine all had their deep, penetrating roots in one of my truest faults. I lack self-control. Now I don't mean I have uncontrollable rage or can't stop myself from doing things I don't want to do. My issue isn't severe or urgent. I'm not going to go spend thousands of dollars on shoes or something. It's more like a subtle undertone in everything I do. Notice the things I dream about in my coffee shop daydreams. I dream about being a self-disciplined person. Sure I can physically do yoga--in fact, I enjoy it. But after one morning of doing it, I get bored, uninspired, and cranky with the idea of sticking with it. What is it within me that has to keep moving? Is it insecurity, is it lack of focus, is it the deep belief within myself that i really never will finish something I started? Am i simply giving up?
I remember last summer, I got the idea to make a quilt. It was brilliant. I can cut, I can sew, I can do it all (thanks to my brilliantly talented) home-economist mother). And you know what--I was committed. I cut all those dang squares and, wouldn't ya know it, I sewed them all together. I finished something. Just based on the fact that I am telling you about it now clearly means that it not only sticks out in my mind as a huge accomplishment, but that quilt also proved something to myself. That with some determination and focus and a genuine will to start, finish, and enjoy something, I can do anything.
As I sit here, sipping my vanilla latte (that is so strong it is likely to keep me up until Monday), I finally realize why places like this hit me in my very core and soul with this intense punch of reality and also of my dream world. Aside from my real desire to own a similar coffee shop with my mom, it is within places like this that I see the true meaning of community and a vision of what I want my life to look like. People are talking, music is playing, coffee is brewing. There is sharing of stories, pastries, laughs, looks, and life. I long to be a part of this, even just as a witness if not a participant. This is community. This is church. Time spent dreaming has to be balanced out with time spend in the real and the now. Without an intricate combination of both, we are simply get lost. Me dreaming about the person I want to be means nothing without me acknowledging the person that I am. So what if I only do yoga when I feel like it? So what if one day I eat only hummus and bran muffins and the next day I eat a cheese steak? What's it to you? I'm not hurting anyone. I am a combination of flake and realist. It is what it is. I keep things interesting. Though I will always be genuinely "Adelaide" (Lord knows I can't deny my personality), you will most likely be meeting a different version of myself every day. I kind of like that. If we aren't changing and growing, we are dying. I'm living. This is the life I want. This is the life I have.
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